My 6 weeks of recovery is almost up! I have 7 week days left
off work. Kind of bitter sweet – a little worried about my ability to do my job
well. Anyways let’s recap the last few weeks then we can talk about that…
Last entry I was talking about my tissue expanders and how
often they would be filled, with how much etc. Well my surgeon changes her mind
every time I go so it hasn’t gone exactly like what I thought it would. I saw
my surgeon on Aug 27th for another fill. She decided that she wanted
to play a little catch up for my right ‘breast’ because it was lacking a little
fluid compared to the left. I guess she doesn’t like to put too much into a
expander with the lat muscle moving at surgery time (remember I came out of
surgery with 180ml in the left one and 120ml in the right). So instead of the
100ml she said she would do last visit, she put 60 in the left and 90ml in the
right. She tried to put 120ml in the right and get it even but it started to
really cause a lot of discomfort so they took 30 back out. So this is the
updated count on my water balloons:
Left Right
180ml 120ml < time of surgery
240ml 180ml < additional 60ml at first check-up
300ml 270ml < additional 60ml in left and 90ml in right
at second check-up
I have been asked a lot if it ‘hurts’ when they fill them. It
can hurt, but its more uncomfortable then anything. It also only lasts
overnight and usually by the next morning the pain is gone. Right afterwards
for the remainder of the day it feels like I worked my pecs out hard then put
on the tightest bra I could find (sorry guys – only the women will get it.) I have
actually gone to adjust the elastic in my bra only to find I’m not wearing one,
it’s just my muscles. When I’m lying in bed the night of an expansion I can get
really sharp pains in my chest if I take a deep breath, she says this is normal
and I assume it is because the pec is not very happy. So I take a few advil and
usually wake up the next morning fine.
We discussed a few other things at the appointment such as
stretching and lifting. I am very anxious to get back to normal but she put the
brakes on that. Apparently the muscles won’t be healed until 6 weeks so I could
do damage should I try and stretch too much. I am only allowed to stretch if it
doesn’t hurt. We also talked about these weird muscle spasms I get. I notice them
more and more as I become more active and healed and find myself doing new
things. For the most part the pecs don’t spasm but my lat (which is now under
my armpit and on my chest) will spasm away when I do things such as reach or
pick up stuff. According to my surgeon, my lat still thinks it’s on my back?! So
when I do an action that would normally use that muscle my brain sends it a
single to work and it tries which cause the weird spasm feeling under my
armpit. Apparently it will always do this a bit, but for the most part my brain
will learn it is no longer where is should be and therefore can’t do what it is
telling it. The thought is super weird though – they can move a muscle around
your body and it still thinks it’s in its original spot!?
The last thing that happened at the appointment was the exam
of my back incision. I thought everything was peachy keen back there – I come
to find out I have a seroma. For those of you who don’t know what a seroma is I
will explain it to the best of my ability. Basically it is a pocket of fluid
that can develop in areas after surgery. Because I now have a big ‘cavity’
where my muscle used to be, fluid in my body built up there. It isn’t harmful
(unless it gets infected) or painful, but it is annoying. It feels like a water
bed in my back. As much surgeon described it…a third boob J. It squishes around
when I put pressure on it and if it’s really full I can feel it moving while I walk.
She tried to drain some of the fluid but was unsuccessful – for the most part
they eventually drain on their own – although if I still have it at surgery I
assume they will probably place another drain.
So I haven’t seen my surgeon since. Originally she said
weekly but decided after the last fill that I should take a 2 week break and
let my pecs heal a bit more. Something about wanting to get 120ml in next time.
So on Monday I will see her again and hopefully I can handle that much fluid
and it doesn’t hurt like last time.
The rest of the last couple weeks hasn’t been very eventful.
I got a haircut (finally), did a bunch of cleaning and celebrated Mom’s
birthday! I asked her over and over what she wanted for her birthday and every
time I got the same answer. For me to be healthy. Well Mom I am healthy so I got
her a very cute little mother/daughter charm for our Pandora bracelets. Happy
birthday!
A lot of people have been asking me how I have been feeling.
So I will lay it out here. Mentally I am great. I feel like a weight has been
lifted off of me and now I can concentrate on other parts of my life. The looming
surgery date really was stressful because I didn’t know how I was going to feel
after or what I would look like. With that behind me I feel ready to go
forward. I have had a moment or two where I thought to myself ‘it’s kind of sad
that at 25 years old I don’t have breasts.’ Those moments are usually when
other young ladies are walking around flaunting their assets to everyone. But
then I think of the person I am today because of what I have gone through. I am
very strong and very capable at handling whatever is thrown at me. I am usually
a very patient person now (not as patient as I would like to be though) and my
level of empathy for other people is much higher. I think that makes me a
better person than I was before. I feel less judgemental against people and
more humble.
I hear about a certain mental hang up of mastectomy patients
a lot. The loss of femininity. A lot of women base how feminine they are on
their body and appearance. I have not lost one ounce of my femininity. I feel like
a woman every day. I get up, I shower, put on makeup, do my hair and take
control of my life. My breasts never made me who I was. Sure they enhanced my
body (as with all women or else they would have more masculine bodies) but they
never defined what kind of person I wanted to be, my goals in life or the
people that loved me. I still continue to get looked at by men and it’s not
because I have lop-sided boobs (well I’m sure a couple notice), but I believe
it’s because I am a confident woman that has many other attractive features. I
wish other woman would remember this that have to go through a horrible
process. I realize that maybe it may be harder for older ladies that fed their
children with their breasts and gave them life. But the great life their
children have isn’t because their mom had breasts. It was because they raised
them with love, laughter and morals. If I
could say anything to anyone that is struggling right now with making this
decision or has already had to – you are gorgeous and strong and amazing. You
were these things before when you had breasts and you will be after.
So quickly I will tell you about my physical recovery. I am,
for the most part, doing great. I have some pain here and there but feel pretty
good. Most of my pain is from the muscles pulling. I have a bit of discomfort underneath
the breasts and all the side of my ribs. It is pretty normal I guess and again I
assume the reason would be because the muscle has been moved away and is
healing. This is the reason I am worried about work – I don’t think it will be
an issue and I still have a couple weeks to go but having an animal kick me or
wrestle could cause some pain.
Anyways I better get off and get ready for the volunteer
celebration tonight at the Children’s Hospital!
Please feel free to comment if you ever want to.
