Milestones

Definition of Milestones- one of a series of numbered markers placed along a road or boundary at intervals of one mile or occasionally, parts of a mile.

I feel a bit like this is what my life has been since I was first diagnosed in May 2011. Waiting for dates and markers that mean an end to one step in my big journey. I still have those markers waiting for me to get to them, although less intense now that I have finished my final(ish) surgery. But I have been thinking about getting to this stage for a while – and it’s kind of funny that I don’t feel “done” as everyone puts it. Granted I still have drains hanging out of me and I am only 5 days out of surgery, but I don’t feel like this chapter is closed and sealed never to be spoken about again.  And before people feel bad or think I am saying that because I am sad about it – I’m not. I have now learned a cancer diagnosis and a BRCA1 diagnosis don’t have a finish stamp on them. It will always be part of me and has made me who I am today. I really like who I have turned into and I wouldn’t want to change that or ignore such big journeys in my life that have got me here.  The physical chapter of cancer is done, yes, but the mental and me being forever changed is not done. I will start new journeys in my life (hopefully this year ;)) but this journey is one I am damn proud to have made it through. I love my scars and learning to love my new body. They mean I went to war and won...and did a damn good job of it. I really love understanding what life is about and how much it means now.  I am still on medication to block cancer from returning and still have procedures and tests and will continue for a long time so it’s still there in my mind. 

Anyways…the reason I am talking about being at this ‘final’ milestone is because on Valentine ’s Day I welcomed 2 new additions to my life. Yep – my permanent implants. I feel with that intro they deserve names!  Seriously though, you would never see me on the street and think ‘look at that girl and her fake boobs’. They are amazing! They are so natural looking and shaped that I’m beginning to wonder if some women look for implants that look fake and why they don’t all get these ones? So these implants are silicone gel tear drop shape and pretty awesome. I have a card that has more of the details (serial numbers, 555cc, high profile bla bla bla) to carry in my wallet in case of emergencies? I actually have no idea why they gave me a wallet card but I will carry it proudly!  The surgery itself went pretty well. It was scheduled late (compared to my previous) for 11:35am. So I didn’t have to be at the hospital until 9:30 and couldn’t have anything to eat since 12am, I was pretty hungry.  Usually my Mom and hubby go the hospital with me but my Mom was sick so the man was alone with me – and did a pretty stellar job of looking after me I must say! The surgery started late and was about 2.5 hours so I woke up about 3ish. I was doing pretty well for about 10 minutes and the pain started to creep in. They gave me some morphine and instantly my arm started to itch. I tried to ignore it (all drugs make your arm feel weird going in) but after a minute or so I looked down and had huge red welts all over my forearm and a red line up to my shoulder. Before anyone asks – yes I have had morphine before. In fact I was on a morphine pump for 3 days last surgery. They explained that it wasn’t an allergic reaction but some type of mast cell reaction because it was administered to quickly for my body. So they gave me a Benadryl injection which got rid of the intense itch and eventually (a day later) the welts vanished.  By 6pm the same day that I went in I was discharged and on my way home. Everything has been pretty great since then. I have taken Advil twice (hardly no pain) and been pretty low key. Gone for a couple walks to Starbucks (like surgery would stop me) and a family dinner out in Cochrane.  The only part that I haven’t enjoyed, like with all the other surgeries, is my awesome drains. I have two in, one on each side. They just cause so much of their own pain. Mostly right where they enter my body and are stitched in. They are getting itchy and if the drain twists in any way they feel like they are burning. So annoying.  Because my back wasn’t involved and this wasn’t a huge surgery I can have them taken out in about a week (2 days from now.) The only catch is my doc can’t see my until next week so she suggested my husband do it. I volunteered my friend Monica. So on Thursday we will have a drains coming out party – I’m sure it will be fine just like last time but I kind of feel bad I have to have a friend do it (for anyone that doesn’t know Monica is a vet – she loves this stuff!) So that’s where I am at. Enjoying my new and improved lady lumps and hanging with the dogs. 

With these new boobs all I have left is for the doc to make some nipples and a little areola tattooing and they will be finished (I made the mistake of looking up how the nipple is reconstructed on youtube, not cool.)  Unless something goes off awry they should never need to be switched or changed. In 50 years I am going to have the best boobs around. Back to the start of this post…this is what people say when they celebrate that I am done. Yes I am officially done my surgeries (until the ovaries need to come out in 6ish years.) No more chest slicing and dicing, no more drains. I am pretty pumped about that.

Well that’s all the news I got for you. Hopefully because I am off and have nothing else to do I can post more often.

Happy New Year!

Well well well. 2013. How did you creep on us? And then go so fast…the first week of the New Year is almost over. Life after the crazy holidays is back to normal and routines are starting back up.

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s mostly because I haven’t had much of anything interesting to say! I was busy working and getting ready for the holidays and hubby and I were trying to finish up something pretty special that eventually we will be able to share with you!

So since my last fill, the I talked about my pain has got a little better, but I still feel pretty useless with these expanders. I want them out – now. I had tried back in late November, early December to continue working out at the gym and lifting weights. This was all fine and dandy until one morning in my shower after a workout I looked down and realized I had bruised and ruptured a bunch of mini capillaries on my right side. It is right along the scar and looked a lot like older ladies legs when they get thin skinned and veiny. I was really worried I had done some harm but after talking to my doctor I felt a little better. Because of the radiation my skin is super unhealthy and doesn’t stretch well etc. So it must have been at its limit and when I lifted weights my pec/lat muscle on the front probably puffed up a bit and caused it to tear a little bit. So I have been told not to lift weights (seriously – if it wasn’t for the extra weight I am still trying to get off I would be pretty happy being told not to work out hard ;)) and take it easy until surgery. Well I am sick of taking it easy and sick of watching out for these stupid things. I can’t do up certain jackets and sweaters because of the ridiculous size (the actual size I want is not nearly as big), I worry about over exerting the area because I might damage it. And god forbids I fell on them – can you imagine!? I would either bounce super hard or pop one – probably would be hilarious and not so much fun at the same time.  So when is surgery you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA. I am getting anxious with how long it is taking them to book this one. After my initial surgery they jumped on board and scheduled the next right away – I cancelled it because of multiple reasons and now they haven’t rescheduled. I have called her nurse assistant lady (multiple times) and politely asked if it has been booked yet. Last time she said something about booking emergencies right now bla bla bla. Well this is an emergency! Not really but come on! I can’t wear anything with horizontal stripes (makes the lopsidedness very noticeable), can’t do anything at the gym and can’t feel comfortable! Work would like to know because my shifts would have to be covered and I want time before the summer for the new ones to heal.  And I feel like everything I book right now is tentative because it was supposed to be in January. So who knows? I will give her another week to get over the holidays and call again. I get they have emergencies but they also have to do regular surgeries to! I have never looked forward to a surgery so much before…

So remember that black cloud we were talking about…the whole family not getting cancer business? Well my 17 year old half-brother on my Dad’s side (Will) was originally diagnosed with testicular cancer December 2011 (or close to there anyways). He had surgery and then every 6 months CT scans for check-ups. Well his last check-up in early December didn’t come back with good news. The cancer had made its way into a lymph node in the stomach area and needed chemotherapy. So he has since started and will continue for the next 7 weeks or so. The good news is even when it the cancer has moved around it is still a 90% cure rate! 

Moving on from all that cancer stuff though (have to get it out of the way)…hubby and I had a great Christmas! His grandparents came in from B.C. and we haven’t seen them since our wedding. It was wonderful to have them in town to share the holidays with.  We also hung out a bit with my family although just immediate. Unfortunately my Nana (great grandma) needed to have a hip replacement over the holidays in Edmonton and because of the nasty cold weather we had here we couldn’t make it to visit her. But all is well now and she is back home and feeling great!

I am excited that I have no treatment this year. I am still on my Tamoxifen and have my reconstruction surgery to do but I have no radiation or chemo or any of that crap I dealt with the last two years. This year (again after surgery) is for me. It’s time to start having fun again and enjoy the remaining years of my 20s. They are passing me by so quick and I spent enough of them for crappy things. One last thing about the Tamoxifen – about a week ago I started my second year! 1 down…4 more to go. Went pretty quickly and 4 years doesn’t seem that long now!

Anywho...hope everyone has a happy and healthy 2013 and gets everything they want out of it!

This one is for Megan

Yesterday was my 26^th birthday. On one hand I feel like I have the usual responses, moaning and groaning about getting older and life passing me by. On the other hand (the cancer one) I am very happy that I get the chance to get older every day and celebrate birthday’s cancer free. Pretty awesome feeling. 

I had a great birthday. I spent Friday night out with our friends having sushi – only my favorite food.  Saturday with my hubby’s family and Sunday with mine. I have so much love around me and I really have learned to appreciate the time I get with everyone.  I was super spoiled so went out today to spend some money on new lulu clothes and Toms. Like I said, it was a great birthday. 

2.5 weeks ago I had my final fill. No more visits until my next surgery in January (still waiting for my date – I will post it once I hear.) It was a tough fill – I had a lot of pain, up and down my torso. From my hips all the way up to my shoulders. I still have a pain when sleeping. The implants are so heavy now that if I lay on my side or on my stomach and try to get up – the weight pulls on the muscle and causes a lot of burning pain. I have a feeling this won’t go away until I get the smaller, permanent implants put in. It’s annoying and I’m figuring out how to work around it but can’t wait until they are gone. Stupid things. 

Left                          Right

180ml              120ml < Time of surgery

240ml              180ml < additional 60ml at first check up

300ml              270ml < Additional 60ml in left and 90ml in the right

360ml              360ml < Additional 60ml in the left and 90ml in the right

 
450ml              450ml <additional 90ml in both

550 ml             550 ml < additional 100ml in both

650 ml             650 ml < additional 100ml in both

So, as you can see, I know have 1.3 litres of saline on my chest. As I’m sure you can imagine my muscles and skin are at their max. I am so glad I don’t have to wait long for surgery...it would drive me crazy.

On a sad note…as a family we had to come to a devastating decision 2 weeks ago. We had noticed our 13.5 year old golden retriever, Megan, had started to limp about a month and a half ago. We did some x-rays we were told she was suffering from some kind of bone cancer. After a few weeks of pain and trying to find some kind of relief through multiple drugs we realized she was suffering and it wasn’t fair. We had to put her to sleep 2 weeks ago today and it was so sad and so hard to go through. Our family has had enough of cancer and enough of this black cloud over our heads…we just want a break and some happy news to happen. Cancer sucks. Enough is enough. 

For anyone that ever had the chance to meet her, they know she was by far the sweetest dog. She had such an amazing gentle and  loving demeanor to her. I remember one of my friends telling me that before she met Megan she never believed dogs had souls. But Megan changed her mind and after meeting her, she truly believed they did.  I have so many memories of Meg growing up. She made such an impact on my love for animals and wanting to work with them. Even after I had long moved out of the house she would come for sleepovers and still lay on my bed all night long. I was the only person she did that to - everyone else she slept on the floor after a couple hours. My husband and her would fight over his side of the bed - I would bring her up and cuddle her. I miss her so much and would do anything to have some more time with her...

Love you Megan…see you on the other side

Cancer Scare & Happy Endings

I feel like I haven’t been doing too much since my last post. I guess working full time will do that to you.

AJ and I spent a great thanksgiving weekend with some family and friends. The Friday night we went to see the new Mormon temple in town (yep that’s our Friday night) with our friends. I learned a lot about the religion and it was great to see a beautiful temple. Once the ‘open house’ period is done at the temple the public is never allowed in again. I’m really glad we got to go and experience something that could really be once in a lifetime. Unfortunately we were a little underdressed….wearing jeans and yoga pants while everyone else wearing dress clothes was slightly embarrassing. Saturday night we had dinner at my Mom’s house (yum!!) and Sunday dinner at a friend’s. Great weekend, nice and relaxing.

I finally saw my surgeon on Thursday for an expansion. I was supposed to go last week but they pushed me back, so it ended up being 3 weeks in between expansions instead of 2. I thought this visit was going to be normal but I will get back into that in a sec. So I have finally reached my size I think. 550ml in each expander. It’s not very comfortable right now but I think this is the closest to my natural size and what I will be happiest with.

Left                          Right

 

180ml                    120ml < Time of surgery

240ml                    180ml < additional 60ml at first check up

300ml                    270ml < Additional 60ml in left and 90ml in the right

360ml                    360ml < Additional 60ml in the left and 90ml in the right

 
450ml                    450ml <additional 90ml in both

550 ml                   550 ml   < additional 100ml in both

I will have one more expansion to make the skin and tissue more pliable for the permanent implants. After that I guess it’s a waiting game until January for my replacement surgery.

So back to the scare…I have been having some pain in the lower right abdomen area. I assumed it was muscle pain (my back has been healing and getting tighter) but it has been lingering for 2 weeks. Anyone that has been through cancer knows that if it hurts after 2 weeks – see a doctor. I decided I should tell my surgeon. She felt around my stomach and right below my ribs stopped and asked if it hurt. I said no so she asked me are you a big drinker? Anyone that knows me knows I don’t drink anything. I knew right away she was asking me about my liver. For anyone that is wondering why we would worry about my liver it’s because breast cancer can metastasize to 4 places usually. Brain, lungs, bones and liver. She then explained that she could feel it and in most people you can’t. She wanted to do blood work, chest x-ray and ultrasound ASAP. My heart sunk. I felt like there is no way this is happening again. I have taken my medication every day religiously and went through all the precautionary steps. I was terrified – I know that metastatic breast cancer means treatment to extend the quality of life not the length of your life. I am not ready. I have so many plans and so many years to live, this was not ok. So she had her reception set up a time for x-ray and ultrasound – the next morning. She said that she didn’t think it was anything but muscle pain but because she was a cancer doctor and my liver was bigger than a normal person it needed to be looked into. I have been told before by doctors that it wasn’t anything and not to worry…

AJ and I went to have my blood work done right away. The labs at the hospital are amazing and I highly recommend if anyone needs blood work – go there. When we got there they didn’t have one person waiting. It was great. On the requisition she had hepatitis checked off – at this point I was praying that’s what it was. That night we went to my Mom’s for dinner and to hang out. It was pretty emotional for me. I was going through a lot of emotions like I’m not ready to die and I just want the chance to be a Mom. These are things most people my age take for granted. I don’t. I cherish what my future holds and I want it so badly.

Anyways the next morning (after not sleeping at all) we headed to the ultrasound/x-ray place. I was pretty emotional because this could be the start of a downhill slide. I was lying on the table while the sonographer looked at my abdomen and I started crying. I was so nervous and I knew I had to wait all weekend (it was a Friday) before I would know.  The girl that was doing my ultrasound felt bad for me I think and we had been having good conversations about fertility etc. She said “at this point, unofficially, I don’t see anything bad in your liver.” Finally I could take a little breath of relief. It didn’t mean it was all ok but it good to hear. She finished up and said I am going to talk to the doctor that looks at the pictures and see if he can come in and give you the results so you don’t have to be a ball of nerves all weekend. This was exactly what I needed. Thank goodness I got an amazing person doing my testing. The doctor came in 10 minutes later and said all was clear. He saw nothing on my ultrasound of concern. I started crying (again) and said thank you so much. I had been so worried and anxious that when he said it all I could do was cry happy tears.

 I felt like I was given permission to live again. That sounds silly but when my doctor said your liver is big all I could think was I should stop making plans, I might have to go off work again etc. I felt like everything had to go on hold until I had my results. Now that I had some of them I could continue on with my life and my plans. I realize that I didn’t have my chest x-rays and blood work but I felt like the most dangerous thing was out of the way.

While at work today AJ got a call from my surgeon saying everything was great. My blood work, x-rays and ultrasound were all normal. Woo hoo!! Load off my shoulders. Like I said in my previous paragraph, permission to resume regular life. I thought it was pretty nice that my surgeon called my house on a Saturday, most people can’t even get a phone call for good blood work results from their family doctor on a weekday. Seriously – if anyone ever needs an oncologist/plastic surgeon let me know. She is great at what she does and amazing bed side manner.

Anyways after my first real scare since my initial diagnoses I’m feeling pretty upbeat and positive. I think we are going to have a yummy pizza tonight and celebrate. I just want to say one thing (I’m sure I say it all the time). Enjoy your life and your blessings. I see so many people complaining about their children or why they have it bad – and it might be a tough day but the blessings you have are amazing. Think, one day you could go in for an ultrasound and it could all change….

Busy Busy! Work and Breast cancer events!

I can’t believe it has been 4ish weeks since my last post. Time flies when your having fun I guess! The hubby and I have been talking about this a lot lately – how quickly time passes by. For example today I am 8 weeks out of surgery (!!!), have been out of treatment for 9 months and Christmas is only 2 and a bit months away. Seriously. Make sure you take the time to enjoy all of lifes experiences because before you know it they are gone!

Anywho…I have seen my surgeon twice since the last post. I have almost half a litre in each of my expanders now and I still haven’t decided what size I want to be. It’s really hard to decide! You would think it would be easy and all you would have to say is “B-cup” or “C-cup” but we have learned it doesn’t really work like that. It depends on your body and frame and you have to decide on the what volume you like the look of not what they actually look like (at this point). They don’t look the same at all for now and we can’t decide if this is the right amount of fluid or not. I guess I will do one more fill and see how I feel. So this is where I stand now…

Left                  Right

180ml               120ml   < Time of surgery

240ml               180ml   < additional 60ml at first check up

300ml               270ml   < Additional 60ml in left and 90ml in the right

360ml               360ml   < Additional 60ml in the left and 90ml in the right

450ml               450ml    <additional 90ml in both

As you can see I now sit at 450ml in each. It’s quite a lot of fluid. My tissue expanders are only made to hold 550ml total. Apparently though she goes over quite frequently and it doesn’t harm them…

At one of these appointments she let me know that they had booked my surgery for November 23^rd. They don’t waste anytime at all. I asked her though to post-pone my next surgery until January. That way I will be eligible to collect EI again. On a good note the seroma I had a few weeks ago seems to have disappeared and fixed itself! I am really happy it went away…it was getting kind of annoying at times.

The CIBC Run for the Cure has a survivor’s parade every year at Banker’s Hall downtown. It is kind of a kick off for the run that takes place a couple weeks after and an event to bring awareness to the event. I didn’t go last year probably because of chemo and I wasn’t going to miss this year. It was so much fun! I hung out with some of my bc friends and met some new people. I really enjoy spending time with other survivors…it’s like it’s own little club and I am proud to be part of it. We frequently talk about how we are feeling, who is seeing what doctor and all the funny things that go along with lopsided breasts. It’s nice having the time to talk to people that don’t get sick of the topic!

This parade probably had about 200 – 300 survivors at it. AMAZING!!! There was one man in the mix, which was great because a lot of people don’t realize that men can get this disease also. So everyone gets to the event, registers, gets their white cowboy hat and pink t-shirt. Then they get in a line depending on how many years they have been a survivor. I was in the 0 – 5 group and they went all the way to 15+. After everyone is ready to go, we went down the escalator and stood in a large group in the middle of the foyer. We had a few famous guests that were there to speak and brought lots of tears so everyone involved and the people watching. Afterwards we filed outside onto Stephens avenue for a mini parade. It was a great time and I can’t wait to be part of it next year.

One more (exciting) thing that happened at the parade was the Pink Ribbon Pin-Up Calendar was released. They ended up changing me to January and it looks so great! All the ladies look gorgeous and it really is a great way to raise money and bring some awareness to the scars, women’s stories and life after. Make sure to buy yours before the end of December at Safeway stores across the country!

So the day after it was time to go back to work. I have now been back for a couple weeks and it’s been pretty good. I am still fighting some fatigue and nervous about pushing my body physically as I don’t know what I can handle. Thankfully I work with some great women that are super understanding and helping me lift bags and hold animals that I don’t feel confident doing so with. Thanks ladies!

This past Sunday was the CIBC Run for the Cure. The bald picture of me on my blog profile was taken last year at the same event. It is so much fun and anyone can participate because it is only 5km. I started getting ready for this the Wednesday before. I put some little pink caps on Kali’s nails – she didn’t mind them but AJ wasn’t too impressed. That night also happened to be PALS night at the Children’s…the kids LOVED her nails. So at 7am on Sunday a bunch of us met down at Southcentre to get ready for the walk. We had wigs, tattoos, necklaces, balloons and some beautiful jackets for all the dogs (8 of them) that my Mom made herself. People were taking pictures of the dogs left right and center. I have to admit they looked pretty cute! Thanks again to all my friends and family that came out and walked with us. Next year we will plan it a bit sooner and hopefully recruit more people and have some t-shirts made!

Femininity

Most of the top part of this blog today is about my recovery and recheck with my surgeon. But the most important part of this blog is the little part near the end about women and our femininity. If you can only read one part please read that one!

My 6 weeks of recovery is almost up! I have 7 week days left off work. Kind of bitter sweet – a little worried about my ability to do my job well. Anyways let’s recap the last few weeks then we can talk about that…

Last entry I was talking about my tissue expanders and how often they would be filled, with how much etc. Well my surgeon changes her mind every time I go so it hasn’t gone exactly like what I thought it would. I saw my surgeon on Aug 27^th for another fill. She decided that she wanted to play a little catch up for my right ‘breast’ because it was lacking a little fluid compared to the left. I guess she doesn’t like to put too much into a expander with the lat muscle moving at surgery time (remember I came out of surgery with 180ml in the left one and 120ml in the right). So instead of the 100ml she said she would do last visit, she put 60 in the left and 90ml in the right. She tried to put 120ml in the right and get it even but it started to really cause a lot of discomfort so they took 30 back out. So this is the updated count on my water balloons:

Left                        Right

180ml                    120ml   < time of surgery

240ml                   180ml     < additional 60ml at first check-up

300ml                   270ml     < additional 60ml in left and 90ml in right at second check-up       

I have been asked a lot if it ‘hurts’ when they fill them. It can hurt, but its more uncomfortable then anything. It also only lasts overnight and usually by the next morning the pain is gone. Right afterwards for the remainder of the day it feels like I worked my pecs out hard then put on the tightest bra I could find (sorry guys – only the women will get it.) I have actually gone to adjust the elastic in my bra only to find I’m not wearing one, it’s just my muscles. When I’m lying in bed the night of an expansion I can get really sharp pains in my chest if I take a deep breath, she says this is normal and I assume it is because the pec is not very happy. So I take a few advil and usually wake up the next morning fine.

We discussed a few other things at the appointment such as stretching and lifting. I am very anxious to get back to normal but she put the brakes on that. Apparently the muscles won’t be healed until 6 weeks so I could do damage should I try and stretch too much. I am only allowed to stretch if it doesn’t hurt. We also talked about these weird muscle spasms I get. I notice them more and more as I become more active and healed and find myself doing new things. For the most part the pecs don’t spasm but my lat (which is now under my armpit and on my chest) will spasm away when I do things such as reach or pick up stuff. According to my surgeon, my lat still thinks it’s on my back?! So when I do an action that would normally use that muscle my brain sends it a single to work and it tries which cause the weird spasm feeling under my armpit. Apparently it will always do this a bit, but for the most part my brain will learn it is no longer where is should be and therefore can’t do what it is telling it. The thought is super weird though – they can move a muscle around your body and it still thinks it’s in its original spot!?

The last thing that happened at the appointment was the exam of my back incision. I thought everything was peachy keen back there – I come to find out I have a seroma. For those of you who don’t know what a seroma is I will explain it to the best of my ability. Basically it is a pocket of fluid that can develop in areas after surgery. Because I now have a big ‘cavity’ where my muscle used to be, fluid in my body built up there. It isn’t harmful (unless it gets infected) or painful, but it is annoying. It feels like a water bed in my back. As much surgeon described it…a third boob J. It squishes around when I put pressure on it and if it’s really full I can feel it moving while I walk. She tried to drain some of the fluid but was unsuccessful – for the most part they eventually drain on their own – although if I still have it at surgery I assume they will probably place another drain.

So I haven’t seen my surgeon since. Originally she said weekly but decided after the last fill that I should take a 2 week break and let my pecs heal a bit more. Something about wanting to get 120ml in next time. So on Monday I will see her again and hopefully I can handle that much fluid and it doesn’t hurt like last time.  

The rest of the last couple weeks hasn’t been very eventful. I got a haircut (finally), did a bunch of cleaning and celebrated Mom’s birthday! I asked her over and over what she wanted for her birthday and every time I got the same answer. For me to be healthy. Well Mom I am healthy so I got her a very cute little mother/daughter charm for our Pandora bracelets. Happy birthday!

A lot of people have been asking me how I have been feeling. So I will lay it out here. Mentally I am great. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and now I can concentrate on other parts of my life. The looming surgery date really was stressful because I didn’t know how I was going to feel after or what I would look like. With that behind me I feel ready to go forward. I have had a moment or two where I thought to myself ‘it’s kind of sad that at 25 years old I don’t have breasts.’ Those moments are usually when other young ladies are walking around flaunting their assets to everyone. But then I think of the person I am today because of what I have gone through. I am very strong and very capable at handling whatever is thrown at me. I am usually a very patient person now (not as patient as I would like to be though) and my level of empathy for other people is much higher. I think that makes me a better person than I was before. I feel less judgemental against people and more humble.

I hear about a certain mental hang up of mastectomy patients a lot. The loss of femininity. A lot of women base how feminine they are on their body and appearance. I have not lost one ounce of my femininity. I feel like a woman every day. I get up, I shower, put on makeup, do my hair and take control of my life. My breasts never made me who I was. Sure they enhanced my body (as with all women or else they would have more masculine bodies) but they never defined what kind of person I wanted to be, my goals in life or the people that loved me. I still continue to get looked at by men and it’s not because I have lop-sided boobs (well I’m sure a couple notice), but I believe it’s because I am a confident woman that has many other attractive features. I wish other woman would remember this that have to go through a horrible process. I realize that maybe it may be harder for older ladies that fed their children with their breasts and gave them life. But the great life their children have isn’t because their mom had breasts. It was because they raised them with love, laughter and morals.  If I could say anything to anyone that is struggling right now with making this decision or has already had to – you are gorgeous and strong and amazing. You were these things before when you had breasts and you will be after.

So quickly I will tell you about my physical recovery. I am, for the most part, doing great. I have some pain here and there but feel pretty good. Most of my pain is from the muscles pulling. I have a bit of discomfort underneath the breasts and all the side of my ribs. It is pretty normal I guess and again I assume the reason would be because the muscle has been moved away and is healing. This is the reason I am worried about work – I don’t think it will be an issue and I still have a couple weeks to go but having an animal kick me or wrestle could cause some pain.

Anyways I better get off and get ready for the volunteer celebration tonight at the Children’s Hospital!

Please feel free to comment if you ever want to.